#absurd · #satire · #short fiction

The Sublime Ratio II

Crazy Meets Lazy

Sir Bob lifted his ass up off from the grass and stood tall on two legs, “My friends we must hurry unless you wish to be furry.”

    Crazy looked at his watch, “ We have time to get there and still with some time still to spare. It is only 8:02. .”

    “My friends have you not heard that seven years to me is only one year to you?”

    Crazy and Stupid nodded in agreement at the simple truth as a child once learned and now presently confirmed by knightly dog.  Sir Bob fell to all fours and bade his friends to follow as quick as they can and please not to argue. So Crazy and Stupid chased after Sir Bob through the green foggy forest and over old mossy logs until all at once they had cleared the wood line and saw before them a man resting against an orchid circled pine.

   “I am here studying the use of branches as stanchions, I have been sent here because the plans have been mismanaged.  You see my weary wanderers I am the deepest thinker around I do not do a thing until the plans expound in my head, seven revolutions when it rains and six when the sky is red. Tell me have you heard the great forest orchestra, last night’s performance almost made me get up and dance.”

    Crazy stepped forward and opened his mouth and these are the words that finally came out, “How did you enjoy the music last night you are at least twenty miles from the Barkingsville site?”

     Lazy lifted his head and this is what he said, ”Spiders respect patience, the natural extension of their predilection to spinning webs as they wait with distinction for a stray bug to tangle itself up in extinction.  Now they observed me ponder my question of stanchions made of branches they did this for seven days and six nights, they were hidden in the branches. The spiders came in deference to my patience and told me they had a surprise for my ears and not for my eyes.  So the sonorous tones of last night’s performance coursed through the sticky sinew spun by the spider conductor’s daughters and sons. They created this connective tissue to spread the blessed lesson of the forest orchestra resplendent.”

    Upon these words Stupid fell to the ground and on all fours he commenced to crawl around then he suddenly saw the array of  webs spun orchid to orchid. Crazy looked on Lazy and knew he was true because he could stick to the blessed numbers of seven and six.  Crazy danced in pleasure as Stupid stuck his ears near the coiled up web and acted real coy as he listened with joy to the residual sounds that reverberated and astounded even this listener of nature so profound.

    Sir Bob stepped forward to address his companions with nothing more than these breaths, “We my dear friends must listen to tonight’s orchestra performance through the resonance of the orchids.  This beautiful music which nightly abounds must be sent through the webs to the crowds of the county in order to share in this musical bounty. Tonight we rest under the tree with our new friend and listen to the orchestra beginning to end.”

Mean Enters the Scene

    They slept through the night, the sleep of delight, dreams filled with the resonating tones of musical requite. Those tones could be heard and they could felt and they could seen and even be smelled.  Our small happy party abruptly awoke to the sounds of crunching and munching the undeniable aural pleasures of a small county luncheon. They all sat up tall and waited to see who would come through hoary haze

    Into this serene scene crashed a man called Mean, a man average in stature but not in demeanor, he had long lost his honor and had filled up the hollow with the new colors of auburn and yellow. A dinker of tea and and never of beer he did this in order to keep his auburn yellow vision pure and clear. No man then or now could possibly have known the expanding possibilities of cacophony and calamity that this new reality had unleashed on the previously benevolent county.

    Mean stepped forward in full display of auburn and yellow and to the small group he seemed quite a dapper young fellow.  He carried a flask full of liquid and he drank it quite quickly, then spoke in a voice that rang nasally and prickly, “Good sirs you look hungry so let me show you the way. I know the place that serves tea seven times daily, six times at lunches and forty two times at brunches.”

   Now all at once Sir Bob felt apprehensive, he grew quiet and pensive lost in his natural canine defenses. He thought and he thought and he could not not quite grasp it something he could not put his paw on  this minute. Mean seemed quite seemly and arguably argreable, friendly and reachable and absolutely unimpeachable, still Sir Bob felt something felt something about him unpalatable and lamentable, desirable yet contemptible.  At that last thought Sir Bob fell to his back and rolled around on a big tuft of grass. Lazy laid against his pine tree and it started to rain he started the revolutions in his brain contemplating stanchions made of branches in order to right the mismanaged plans.  Stupid stood tall and screamed into the wind, better to try to be heard than take part in the din. Crazy hopped to his feet and jumped up in a tree he counted birds and squirrels in plain sight for all to see, “Seven to six oh thank heaven around! Today perfection, it will abound, of this to me there is no doubt.” Now Mean watched the strange scene unfold before his eyes like a dream full of weird drunken surprises, a strange odd sort of glee now crept across his face and he renewed his simple tea plea, “My friends come with me it is now time for tea.”

  Our crew followed Mean to go sip on some tea, Crazy quite pleased with his new group of friends, Stupid crawled along the ground wreathed in a spider web crown bearing Lazy on his back and upon Lazy’s shoulders sat his spider epaulettes absolutely black.  Sir Bob followed behind by seven paces then six alternating the pure numbers of his great canine clique. His mind still a whir with feelings of trepidation of an incoming depredation. Now they reached the town’s gate and saw in the space in the middle an eight piece band and they began to jam.  The music, brassy and harsh, filled with five martial parts hit Sir Bob’s big floppy ears as something and fed his natural canine fear. They entered the red yellow tent and here is what they saw, twenty five men drinking tea from big mugs and venting their frustrations on everything under the sun from the money sent for rent to the height of a woman’s hair bun.  Sir Bob sat in the corner and pondered within what to do about this awful din. Then from under a table walked a little brown dog, Petunina was her name and she had gained some county fame as the fastest dog in all the land. She bowed to Sir Bob and Bob he did bow and the denizens of the tent all at once yelled out, “Wow!”

    The spiders on Lazy, whose names you can not hear for to hear the names would certainly explode your ears, but for purposes of this tale we will call them Ed, Greg, Steve and Fred.  The four spider friends spun their dual purposed webs in the corners of the tent colored yellow and red. The first purpose quite clear is to ensnare an early afternoon meal, but the second purpose, only known to the spiders, was to translate what was said down below, said with such fervent zeal.  These strange new men made the spiders’ senses commence to shudder and sway as they laid prey catching translating spider web snares.

The Red Yellow Tent Event

    So Crazy, Stupid, Lazy and Mean sat a table sipping green and blue tea. While Crazy expounded on the very well grounded ratio of seven to six, Stupid squirmed in his seat unable to fix on the wind with which he talks to and he listens and Lazy told the tale of his branches as stanchions question that he has found quite vexing.  

    All of a sudden did open the tent and in walked two women their hair long it had run and not a single solitary sign of a hair bun.  These two women named Sober and Sanity had let down their hair but in not some vanity but rather a bold move deep in complexity. They stood up on a big box and then Sanity began to talk, “The women of the county shall no longer listen to the Mean men of the red and yellow tent. We will wear our hair up in the air or down to the ground, a bun may be for some but we can not be bound by the structure of this red yellow tent Mean man function.”

    Sober followed up and hammered home Sanity’s note and to this day I have remembered it rote, “Sanity has spoke with veracity and candor and I am here to inform you after a long clear ponder that this forty year red yellow tent event must be closed for the summer.”   Mean jumped up from his seat, his rage grew complete for the utter contempt shown here at the forty year continuous red yellow tent event. The spiders did scatter as Sir Bob and Petunia scampered out towards the back, while Crazy and Stupid and Lazy did listen to Mean try to explain his missive on hair bun placement.

The Mean Man Monologue

    Now Mean stood tall up on his seat and he thusly began to speak, “This momentous event, this un-bunning invasion, you two must repent for your salacious regression will only rile the passions of the County persuasions. For as you know the men of the red yellow tent event have sent out our vents in order to prevent late rents and as of now rents are present and now you two wish to circumvent our vents.  The hair bun height has been prescribed at two and three quarters inches, they must be cinched in the County fashion circular and tight and from this vent there can be no relent. Now I demand to know who sent these two women into the red yellow vent tent event. Where will this end I ask you Mean Men of the red yellow tent event, this is the first step to ending our venting. These un-bunned women wish to see our hard work undone and for this they must be shunned.  As I have said these vents have always kept the County’s rent’s present. Now I must proclaim that all the women of the county present their bun level for inspection in order to see how far this bun defame revolution has turned.”

    As Mean spoke the spider siblings Ed, Greg, Steve and Fred lowered themselves next to Mean’s head, they had had enough of Mean’s rough and gruff guff. So they swung their bodies to and fro spinning their webs in a slowly lowering and growing halo.  Faster and faster they spun as they spun the lowering and growing spider web halo until they had covered Mean’s mouth until the words he spoke could not come out.

    Crazy and Stupid could not quite grasp the importance of the five minutes passed so they stood up straight and clear and to the tent flap they did steer.  Sir Bob and Petunia made for the same exit, Sober and Sanity they did not forget for the sisters did not exist to the Mean Man clique. And the four spider siblings who started the fray slipped up their strings and floated away. But Lazy, who had already moved that day, decided to stay and his erstwhile companions he would soon betray, laying the entire forest orchestra and the orchid amplifiers at the feet of these liars.

The Great Forest War Part I

Presently Lazy stood up and began to speak, “Mean men of the red yellow tent event do not fret for I know where they went.  Off to their dream world of seeming natural perfection, of this there can be no contention. I will show you the way to Sober and Sanity.  Gather your Mean men to and march we shall be seen in their lair of the natural dreams.”

    Bob and Petunia reached the edge of town and there Sober and Sanity began to frown.  Sober spoke for both, “Good Sir Knight we thank you for your help, but please do not yelp when I say we wish you to put your help on the shelf.  We are prepared to have our hair bunned no matter how little fun nor how much pain in order to show that the hair bun vent is over and done.”

    Sir Bob bowed deep and began to speak, “I do not wish to counter your volition, but this decision has to be seen with a different vision of truth.  It is in my deoxyribonucleic acid to ensure through activity your placid tranquility.” Through the gate of the town the twelve Mean men marched towards Sir Bob, led by Lazy who in full regalia of red and yellow epaulettes and carried on a chair..  Now Bob nuzzled muzzles with Petunia and they quickly cuddled then stood tall and Bob to muttered to Petunia,”Tend to our new friends and to Barkingsville Manor lead them there the Mean men will find their end.” Sober and Sanity looked quite quizzical at this new truth spoken unequivocal, if the Mean men came to an end then the hair bun vent would become comical.  Petunia leaped into action and Sober and Sanity followed with satisfaction.

    The twelve Mean men carried Lazy through the gates,  Sir Bob did not wait he drew his short sword and charged into the Mean man horde.  The Mean men had spent so much time venting without dissent that this charging Sir Knight did give them a fright.  Sir Bob hopped and jumped as he circled the Mean men and he sliced small knicks with his sword on seven foreheads and six cheeks red.  He ran back to his where he had started and parted company with these words,”You Mean men of dissention will soon cross into my dimension and if you continue your folly you will surely suffer a furry and feathered fury.  If you follow me you will surely see that it is not worth leaving your red yellow tent venting event.” At that Sir Bob turned his back and he followed the well beaten track to Barkingsville Manor.

    While all this commotion abounded Crazy and Stupid stood astounded at the orchid encircled pine tree where Lazy had laid. In that coniferous tree they saw a vociferous pair, a bird and a squirrel ready to lay bare the sublime ratio of seven to six to our weary and wary compatriots.

     Bird, “Dear friends we are here to help you end this quest for the bird squirrel ratio of seven to six.”

    Squirrel, “The sublime ratio of seven to six is always in balance you just must peruse a wider view than you simply do with glances from your unbroken stances.”

     Bird, “Throughout the forest at all times the ratio is balanced.  You my friends can not see behind trees or high in the sky beyond the leaves.  In your narrow view of the world you have concluded without truth that what you see is the whole world and all else outside your vision is regarded with derision.”

    Squirrel, “But now we must hurry for Barkingsville Manor is readying to face the Mean men sent out of the red yellow tent event. With your help they will be defeated and your reward will make you complete.”


The Sublime Ratio

The Craziest Man I Ever Met

    Sam, the craziest man I ever met, spent his days calculating ratios, determined to find the golden numbers of birds to squirrels in his own domain. He did not spend his hours in mathematical pondering, just wandering his land counting birds and squirrels. Everyday the ratio came out different at different times. He never kept notes, his mind he told me, had evolved beyond that of the rest of us.

    After weeks of counting and cataloging in his mind Sam decided that the time had come for him to show nature the true ratio of birds to squirrels. He embarked upon a building a wall to limit the squirrels in his domain. Birds he had figured were much more delightful than squirrels and he did not want to see so many squirrels. I told him, “You are crazy! Squirrels can climb up and down walls.” He did not care.

    Two months later his wall complete he set about his route to calculate the new ratio. Atop the wall he saw seven scooting squirrels and only five flapping birds. How can this be he told me in my mind the plan is perfect. “Sam what is the proper ratio of birds to squirrels?”

    Sam stuttered saying, “How can I share that information? You must make your own calculations.”

    “I am not concerned about the bird to squirrel ratio. But please tell me your numbers. Why do you want to limit the squirrels?”

    “All I can say is the color grey is ugly.”, he paused, “But now I see you are here on behalf of the squirrels. I will not tell you anymore. You don’t care about my ratio!”

    The days and weeks passed and I saw less and less of Sam until one day it occurred to me that he had not been seen in over two months. I readied myself for the walk to his house to query him about his plans. When I arrived I saw to my dismay a wall with a roof to keep all at bay. Atop the roof birds sat and chirped squirrels ran and played. I knocked on the wooden door to his domain, but nobody came. I never heard another lucid word from Sam, the craziest man I ever met.


Crazy Goes in Search of Stupid

    Crazy sat in his box for six weeks unable to decide what to do. Birds and squirrels vexed him daily though he had not seen one bird nor one squirrel in a dog’s age.  Then a thought hit Crazy he had never thought before and that turned his back up and straight. I have thought too long that I have missed it all. I have been ignoring the path all along. The man who screams into the wind is the man that I need.  He will know the answer to my question and I will be freed from my quandary of birds and squirrels. The man I need is the man who talks to the winds, for he knows the ways of Nature. So out of his box did Crazy begin his quest for Stupid.

   Now where to look for the man who talks to the wind.  I heard he stands on the cliff on the edge of the county.  That is where I will go to find the man who knows nature better than the rest.  He will know the bird squirrel ratio of that there can be no contest. So Crazy walked along the road holding his head down.  Everything is out of order he thought, birds and squirrels everywhere in every number in violation of natural law.

    Crazy kept up his search for the man who could talk to the wind. Down the road and across footpaths through the woods to the edge of the county. The wind blew strong and Crazy had to put its head down deeper, then he saw the man who could talk to the wind standing tall screaming his instructions. Crazy walked to Stupid and said, “I have traveled very far in search of the answer to the most important question ever to be asked. I have thought very long and have not found the answer. But you who talks to the wind will surely know the answer for you are at one with nature. What is the proper ratio of birds to squirrels?” Stupid turned around and looked at Crazy, “You are diligent and wise to seek me out for indeed I can speak with nature. The answer to the question that vexes you is seven birds to six squirrels.”

    “Seven birds to six squirrels, such a sublime ratio I have never heard. But tell me this why is it that wherever I look the bird squirrel ratio is always in flux?”

    “A truly great question that has never been asked certainly requires an answer and within a month and a half. But first come with me and talk to the wind.”

    Crazy walked to edge of the cliff and stood next to Stupid. There they both screamed into the wind for the rest of the day, calling and asking and listening to the dancing words that returned. Stupid looked at Crazy and said, “Now you understand the ways of the wind, you can add that to your diligence. Let us go and make the bird to squirrel ratio perfect throughout the county.”

    Crazy looked at Stupid, “Indeed, let us begin to implement the sublime ratio of seven to six before the world falls apart lonely and sick”

Enter Sir Bob

    Crazy and Stupid talked as they walked and paid no attention to the path that they trod. As a consequence of their festive chatting over finding each other they found themselves very much lost. Stupid turned to Crazy, “I will talk to the winds and find our bearings.”

    Crazy looked back at Stupid, “And I will count the birds and squirrels. I must find the ratio that vexes me that precious and sublime seven to six.”

    So Stupid listened and talked to the wind while Crazy lamented out loud,”Five to three, seven to nine oh dear here’s a two to five. Deliver me from these unholy ratios we must keep the world alive.”

    Now a truly strange thing happened in this incomprehensible tale. Have you already forgotten me your dear narrator who keeps things clear. At this point in the telling Sam stood up and began yelling, “For you to truly comprehend the next step in my quest you must truly accept that Sorry Bob is real or I will not continue.”

    Now of course I indeed replied, “Do tell Sam of your real and true trusty retinue.”. Sam sat down and imparted the tale of Sir Bob Protector of Dogs.

Into the scene of Stupid screaming into the wind for directions and Crazy frantically counting birds and squirrels walked a canine standing on two legs clad like a Roman Praetorian Guard. “Good day my fellows. I am Sir Bob Lord Protector of dogs. What brings you to this realm?”

    Crazy stopped counting and gracefully bowed, “Good day to you Sir Bob. It is indeed an honor to meet canine royalty. But I must know that you are telling me the truth. How can I and my friend know you are indeed Sir Bob?”

    “Look upon my chest you will see my royal crest emblazoned in the most perfect form of a canine. And I must regress this conversation and request the purpose of your presence in my realm?”

    Now Crazy and Stupid looked at each other then to the crest emblazoned upon Sir Bob’s furry chest. A delightful outline of the ust perfect canine i had ever seen.Stupid took a step forward,”Dear sir knight we are on a quest to set the bird to squirrel ratio at its proper seven to six.”

    Sir Bob looked over Crazy and Stupid, then holding his short sword above his head Sir Bob did proclaim, “You are truly wise men, the wisest ever I’ve seen to search out the secret dog ratio of seven to six. You see my new friends we dogs live in log houses, seven dog log homes by six. It is pleasure to announce to you that tomorrow the great forest orchestra will have its first performance of the season. All I ask is that you follow me past that clearing down there for you two must be the guest conductors of our premiere forest orchestra performance. Furthermore after the concert I will make it my pick to help you with your ratio of seven to six. For we dogs have spent years studying the birds and squirrels of that which you desire to hear.”

The Great Forest Orchestra

    Sir Bob led the way through the winding footpaths and then over a small dog log bridge.  As they set foot on the other side Sir Bob bowed his head and began to speak, “Welcome to Barkingsville Manor the wellspring from which all dogs flow.”  

     Now while Sir Bob spoke Crazy climbed a tree and Stupid kneeled down low and put his ear to the ground.  Sir Bob looked up at this scene and called out, “What are you doing? You seem quite keen on climbing and listening.  Have you risen to some unknown position?”

     Crazy looked down and said quite commanding, “I see seven birds and six squirrels on that high limb they have landed.”

    Stupid looked up and said with delight, “I listen to nature so that I may understand the real fight.”

    Sir Bob looked up and then down and said to his new friends, “Hurry up you can not stick around past midnight or you will turn into a dog. So come now my friends and follow me quick, the great forest orchestra is about to begin.”

    Crazy climbed down and Stupid stood up their minds turned like a tail chasing pup.Sir Bob called to his friends and the trek through the woods began once again.  Crazy counted and Stupid listened Sir Bob walked and the setting sun glistened. Now cresting the last little hill they did see down below dog log homes row upon row and set in the middle they saw a piano. They followed Sir Bob down to the manor and they all sat in the bleachers and began to wonder. Then without any delay the orchestra filed in ready to play.

    The spider that conducted stood on two legs and waved the other six around then finally tapped them together.  The orchestra made ready, the beavers on the drums, the crickets on violin, the possums on bass, a slick salamander got ready to strum and a dog named Bingo sat at that piano.  They played and they played for seven minutes and six seconds and the chorus of the great forest orchestra amplified by the orchids reached far and wide even to a pride of lions who danced and pranced and did the Electric Slide boogie woogie woogie woogie.

    The music finally ended and Crazy was amazed Stupid sat steady meeting the gaze of the spider that conducted the great forest orchestra and with a wave of four legs the spider did bid that Crazy and Stupid begin their new gig.  So Crazy and Stupid took the batons they stood up high and began to conduct a new song that all could hum along. And this new forest orchestra played with such energy that even Sir Bob joined in the revelry. They played one set of seven minutes the other of six then bowed to crowd who called back so proud. Crazy and Stupid looked at their watches the time read six minutes past seven and Sir Bob walked over to smile at his new brethren.  Sir Bob sat on the ground and scratched behind his ear, “The time to leave is here I will show you your path follow me friends after I get off of my ass.”