The Craziest Man I Ever Met
Sam, the craziest man I ever met, spent his days calculating ratios, determined to find the golden numbers of birds to squirrels in his own domain. He did not spend his hours in mathematical pondering, just wandering his land counting birds and squirrels. Everyday the ratio came out different at different times. He never kept notes, his mind he told me, had evolved beyond that of the rest of us.
After weeks of counting and cataloging in his mind Sam decided that the time had come for him to show nature the true ratio of birds to squirrels. He embarked upon a building a wall to limit the squirrels in his domain. Birds he had figured were much more delightful than squirrels and he did not want to see so many squirrels. I told him, “You are crazy! Squirrels can climb up and down walls.” He did not care.
Two months later his wall complete he set about his route to calculate the new ratio. Atop the wall he saw seven scooting squirrels and only five flapping birds. How can this be he told me in my mind the plan is perfect. “Sam what is the proper ratio of birds to squirrels?”
Sam stuttered saying, “How can I share that information? You must make your own calculations.”
“I am not concerned about the bird to squirrel ratio. But please tell me your numbers. Why do you want to limit the squirrels?”
“All I can say is the color grey is ugly.”, he paused, “But now I see you are here on behalf of the squirrels. I will not tell you anymore. You don’t care about my ratio!”
The days and weeks passed and I saw less and less of Sam until one day it occurred to me that he had not been seen in over two months. I readied myself for the walk to his house to query him about his plans. When I arrived I saw to my dismay a wall with a roof to keep all at bay. Atop the roof birds sat and chirped squirrels ran and played. I knocked on the wooden door to his domain, but nobody came. I never heard another lucid word from Sam, the craziest man I ever met.
Crazy Goes in Search of Stupid
Crazy sat in his box for six weeks unable to decide what to do. Birds and squirrels vexed him daily though he had not seen one bird nor one squirrel in a dog’s age. Then a thought hit Crazy he had never thought before and that turned his back up and straight. I have thought too long that I have missed it all. I have been ignoring the path all along. The man who screams into the wind is the man that I need. He will know the answer to my question and I will be freed from my quandary of birds and squirrels. The man I need is the man who talks to the winds, for he knows the ways of Nature. So out of his box did Crazy begin his quest for Stupid.
Now where to look for the man who talks to the wind. I heard he stands on the cliff on the edge of the county. That is where I will go to find the man who knows nature better than the rest. He will know the bird squirrel ratio of that there can be no contest. So Crazy walked along the road holding his head down. Everything is out of order he thought, birds and squirrels everywhere in every number in violation of natural law.
Crazy kept up his search for the man who could talk to the wind. Down the road and across footpaths through the woods to the edge of the county. The wind blew strong and Crazy had to put its head down deeper, then he saw the man who could talk to the wind standing tall screaming his instructions. Crazy walked to Stupid and said, “I have traveled very far in search of the answer to the most important question ever to be asked. I have thought very long and have not found the answer. But you who talks to the wind will surely know the answer for you are at one with nature. What is the proper ratio of birds to squirrels?” Stupid turned around and looked at Crazy, “You are diligent and wise to seek me out for indeed I can speak with nature. The answer to the question that vexes you is seven birds to six squirrels.”
“Seven birds to six squirrels, such a sublime ratio I have never heard. But tell me this why is it that wherever I look the bird squirrel ratio is always in flux?”
“A truly great question that has never been asked certainly requires an answer and within a month and a half. But first come with me and talk to the wind.”
Crazy walked to edge of the cliff and stood next to Stupid. There they both screamed into the wind for the rest of the day, calling and asking and listening to the dancing words that returned. Stupid looked at Crazy and said, “Now you understand the ways of the wind, you can add that to your diligence. Let us go and make the bird to squirrel ratio perfect throughout the county.”
Crazy looked at Stupid, “Indeed, let us begin to implement the sublime ratio of seven to six before the world falls apart lonely and sick”
Enter Sir Bob
Crazy and Stupid talked as they walked and paid no attention to the path that they trod. As a consequence of their festive chatting over finding each other they found themselves very much lost. Stupid turned to Crazy, “I will talk to the winds and find our bearings.”
Crazy looked back at Stupid, “And I will count the birds and squirrels. I must find the ratio that vexes me that precious and sublime seven to six.”
So Stupid listened and talked to the wind while Crazy lamented out loud,”Five to three, seven to nine oh dear here’s a two to five. Deliver me from these unholy ratios we must keep the world alive.”
Now a truly strange thing happened in this incomprehensible tale. Have you already forgotten me your dear narrator who keeps things clear. At this point in the telling Sam stood up and began yelling, “For you to truly comprehend the next step in my quest you must truly accept that Sorry Bob is real or I will not continue.”
Now of course I indeed replied, “Do tell Sam of your real and true trusty retinue.”. Sam sat down and imparted the tale of Sir Bob Protector of Dogs.
Into the scene of Stupid screaming into the wind for directions and Crazy frantically counting birds and squirrels walked a canine standing on two legs clad like a Roman Praetorian Guard. “Good day my fellows. I am Sir Bob Lord Protector of dogs. What brings you to this realm?”
Crazy stopped counting and gracefully bowed, “Good day to you Sir Bob. It is indeed an honor to meet canine royalty. But I must know that you are telling me the truth. How can I and my friend know you are indeed Sir Bob?”
“Look upon my chest you will see my royal crest emblazoned in the most perfect form of a canine. And I must regress this conversation and request the purpose of your presence in my realm?”
Now Crazy and Stupid looked at each other then to the crest emblazoned upon Sir Bob’s furry chest. A delightful outline of the ust perfect canine i had ever seen.Stupid took a step forward,”Dear sir knight we are on a quest to set the bird to squirrel ratio at its proper seven to six.”
Sir Bob looked over Crazy and Stupid, then holding his short sword above his head Sir Bob did proclaim, “You are truly wise men, the wisest ever I’ve seen to search out the secret dog ratio of seven to six. You see my new friends we dogs live in log houses, seven dog log homes by six. It is pleasure to announce to you that tomorrow the great forest orchestra will have its first performance of the season. All I ask is that you follow me past that clearing down there for you two must be the guest conductors of our premiere forest orchestra performance. Furthermore after the concert I will make it my pick to help you with your ratio of seven to six. For we dogs have spent years studying the birds and squirrels of that which you desire to hear.”
The Great Forest Orchestra
Sir Bob led the way through the winding footpaths and then over a small dog log bridge. As they set foot on the other side Sir Bob bowed his head and began to speak, “Welcome to Barkingsville Manor the wellspring from which all dogs flow.”
Now while Sir Bob spoke Crazy climbed a tree and Stupid kneeled down low and put his ear to the ground. Sir Bob looked up at this scene and called out, “What are you doing? You seem quite keen on climbing and listening. Have you risen to some unknown position?”
Crazy looked down and said quite commanding, “I see seven birds and six squirrels on that high limb they have landed.”
Stupid looked up and said with delight, “I listen to nature so that I may understand the real fight.”
Sir Bob looked up and then down and said to his new friends, “Hurry up you can not stick around past midnight or you will turn into a dog. So come now my friends and follow me quick, the great forest orchestra is about to begin.”
Crazy climbed down and Stupid stood up their minds turned like a tail chasing pup.Sir Bob called to his friends and the trek through the woods began once again. Crazy counted and Stupid listened Sir Bob walked and the setting sun glistened. Now cresting the last little hill they did see down below dog log homes row upon row and set in the middle they saw a piano. They followed Sir Bob down to the manor and they all sat in the bleachers and began to wonder. Then without any delay the orchestra filed in ready to play.
The spider that conducted stood on two legs and waved the other six around then finally tapped them together. The orchestra made ready, the beavers on the drums, the crickets on violin, the possums on bass, a slick salamander got ready to strum and a dog named Bingo sat at that piano. They played and they played for seven minutes and six seconds and the chorus of the great forest orchestra amplified by the orchids reached far and wide even to a pride of lions who danced and pranced and did the Electric Slide boogie woogie woogie woogie.
The music finally ended and Crazy was amazed Stupid sat steady meeting the gaze of the spider that conducted the great forest orchestra and with a wave of four legs the spider did bid that Crazy and Stupid begin their new gig. So Crazy and Stupid took the batons they stood up high and began to conduct a new song that all could hum along. And this new forest orchestra played with such energy that even Sir Bob joined in the revelry. They played one set of seven minutes the other of six then bowed to crowd who called back so proud. Crazy and Stupid looked at their watches the time read six minutes past seven and Sir Bob walked over to smile at his new brethren. Sir Bob sat on the ground and scratched behind his ear, “The time to leave is here I will show you your path follow me friends after I get off of my ass.”